Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
