We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
