so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
