Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
