So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
