my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
