Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
