if you like me you must not know who I am
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
