Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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