guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
