just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It was confusing and full of hummus
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
