Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
