wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
