sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I am one with the molecules
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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