I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
