She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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