DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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