tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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