So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
