before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
