8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
don't judge my taste in strippers
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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