did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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