my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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