Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
