Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
