Will you blow on my dice?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
