youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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