Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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