NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i wish my penis had a tongue
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
