i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
