I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
