The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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