i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
