I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
