While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize