She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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