my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
