Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
