you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
