I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
