We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Someone signed my nipple.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
