a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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