You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
