Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
