i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
