oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
