I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize