6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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