Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
