Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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