I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
