I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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