dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
