hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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