I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
