I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
