my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I wannas sexs uuuuu
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
