just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
