My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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