i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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