Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
