Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
