If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
